I moved houses and my routine is messed up, which means I am starting to avoid, getting a bad attitude, and things feel out of control or falling through the cracks. Routine, for me at least, is not just a sense of schedule, but also helps set a sense of identity. It is a stabilizer, and when it collapses the …
There is No Justice in Being Dismissive
I have a propensity to be dismissive, but when someone is being outright antagonistic and critical, how do I deal with that while also recognizing my dismissive reaction. How do I distinguish the difference between the two? There are two different things happening here: my internal pattern (dismissiveness) and the external behavior (antagonism). Without separating the two things get muddy. …
If I Make this Choice What will They Think of Me?
You want to make a choice… but you’re afraid of what people will think. This fear makes sense, and is a normal human response. We are wired for belonging, and at some point in life, approval equaled safety. Disapproval equaled danger. So, the nervous system flares up when thinking about how your choice will affect others. Will they think you …
Correction as a Means of Existence
Am I doing something to understand or to correct? The issue, for me, is that I cannot seem to get to issues that affect me if we cannot talk about them. I am trying to correct in a way, but not in a righteous way, but just to be heard and understood. It feels frustrating, unfair, and impossible to be …
Am I Being Defensive or Are You?
We both think we are right, but our perspectives are different. How do we deal with this dilemma? This feels obvious to me, but it also feels obvious to her. What makes it more disorienting is that both of you believe you’re the one being reasonable. In the Ghost Framework, there are a few principles at play here: • Personal …
The Inability to Make a Decision
I cannot seem to make a decision until I have fully reflected on it and thought it through. Often this leads to delays, as I don’t give a decision the time it needs to assess. Moreover, I fail to communicate what is going through my head during the assessment period, so people find me inconsistent or uncommunicative. I don’t believe …
The Problem of Potentiality
I have really struggled with a couple of potential problems involving other people. I wrote narratives, prescribed judgments, and in the end it all turned out very well. How do I, then, deal with the overwhelm of the potential problem? Reality has proven my imagination wrong. This gap — between imagination and reality — is where my overwhelm lives. In …
In a Relationship, Who Decides What is Good?
The answer is that no single person or role gets to unilaterally decide what is “good” or how to define “goodness.” Also, neither is “goodness” in a relationship a popularity vote or a power struggle. This is because Goodness emerges at the intersection of truth, intention, and impact. Often, in relationships we say something feels good, or hurts, or is …
What Happens to Roles When the Relationship Falls Apart?
I am the provider and she takes care of the kids; a good balance when the relationship is intact. But what about when it falls apart? How do you deal with the feelings of being used, unappreciated, and without help? This is a situation for both men and women as a relationships dissolve. Let’s deal with this alignment issue, but …
The Reflective Framework to Avoid Rigidity and Self-Righteousness
Yesterday, I reflected on being in a relationship where I am changing, but it is not being recognized. The other person is frozen in their image of me. In doing so, I came up with a process of self-assessment, and several things came up that I believe I need to reflect on. First, I need to do a behavior audit, …