When a difficult conversation doesn’t go well, the temptation is to react, to escalate, to retreat, to punish, or to fold. But hard decisions made in emotional surge are almost always misaligned decisions. So the first step is to regulate before you decide. Did the conversation go badly because it was intense, or because something important was revealed? Intensity is …
How to Have Hard Conversations
I am approaching a difficult conversation. I don’t want to have it, but I know I need to. I pre-judge the outcome as useless, and I really don’t know what the perfect thing to say is, but I know I need to say something. If I can avoid… well, I am sure I will try to. So, how do I …
When You are Out of Routine
I moved houses and my routine is messed up, which means I am starting to avoid, getting a bad attitude, and things feel out of control or falling through the cracks. Routine, for me at least, is not just a sense of schedule, but also helps set a sense of identity. It is a stabilizer, and when it collapses the …
There is No Justice in Being Dismissive
I have a propensity to be dismissive, but when someone is being outright antagonistic and critical, how do I deal with that while also recognizing my dismissive reaction. How do I distinguish the difference between the two? There are two different things happening here: my internal pattern (dismissiveness) and the external behavior (antagonism). Without separating the two things get muddy. …
If I Make this Choice What will They Think of Me?
You want to make a choice… but you’re afraid of what people will think. This fear makes sense, and is a normal human response. We are wired for belonging, and at some point in life, approval equaled safety. Disapproval equaled danger. So, the nervous system flares up when thinking about how your choice will affect others. Will they think you …
Correction as a Means of Existence
Am I doing something to understand or to correct? The issue, for me, is that I cannot seem to get to issues that affect me if we cannot talk about them. I am trying to correct in a way, but not in a righteous way, but just to be heard and understood. It feels frustrating, unfair, and impossible to be …
Am I Being Defensive or Are You?
We both think we are right, but our perspectives are different. How do we deal with this dilemma? This feels obvious to me, but it also feels obvious to her. What makes it more disorienting is that both of you believe you’re the one being reasonable. In the Ghost Framework, there are a few principles at play here: • Personal …
The Inability to Make a Decision
I cannot seem to make a decision until I have fully reflected on it and thought it through. Often this leads to delays, as I don’t give a decision the time it needs to assess. Moreover, I fail to communicate what is going through my head during the assessment period, so people find me inconsistent or uncommunicative. I don’t believe …
The Problem of Potentiality
I have really struggled with a couple of potential problems involving other people. I wrote narratives, prescribed judgments, and in the end it all turned out very well. How do I, then, deal with the overwhelm of the potential problem? Reality has proven my imagination wrong. This gap — between imagination and reality — is where my overwhelm lives. In …
In a Relationship, Who Decides What is Good?
The answer is that no single person or role gets to unilaterally decide what is “good” or how to define “goodness.” Also, neither is “goodness” in a relationship a popularity vote or a power struggle. This is because Goodness emerges at the intersection of truth, intention, and impact. Often, in relationships we say something feels good, or hurts, or is …