I am healing, but one of the steps to healing is to start to experience joy. If action is the antidote to anxiety, then joy is the antidote to suffering, struggle, and sadness. Joy in the midst of suffering is not something we wait to feel. It is something we learn to practice while life is still hard. The mistake …
Understanding Double Standards, How We Use Them, and How to Stop
A true double standard is one of the clearest distortions of truth in human behavior. It occurs when two people (or two situations) are judged by different rules even though the circumstances are essentially the same. In simple terms: A double standard is when the rule changes depending on who is being judged. It is not merely disagreement. It is …
Taking Control when it Feels Out of Control
When something overwhelms you, the goal isn’t to solve everything, rather it is to move from chaos to clarity to action. Here is a process to help: Name what is happening. Identify the reality of the moment. What is overwhelming you, and separate the emotion from the situation so your mind stops spiraling. Separate control from the noise. Divide the …
Working Against Resentment rather than with It
Repairing a relationship that has resentment, broken trust, lack of validation, and poor communication is one of the hardest emotional tasks two people can undertake. The biggest challenge isn’t starting the healing, rather it is continuing the healing without falling back into the same patterns that caused the damage. There are a few core principles that help keep people on …
Turning Reflection into a Decision
Sometimes I really struggle with decisions in relationships. I seem to get stuck in the reflection stage and feel like I want life or the other person to move me forward without actually making a decision. I realize this is not great, and it keeps me stuck in more than one way. A helpful way, I find, to end reflection …
Having Agreeable Disagreements
My wife and I disagree on nearly everything. I am pro-life and she is pro-abortion. I lean conservative and she is liberal. I am Catholic and she is an Atheist. So, how do we talk about the world and our viewpoints? The key question, I suppose, is how do I have disagreements, hear her, validate her, and yet not abandon …
Getting Simple, but Impossible Tasks Completed
There are tasks that I just cannot seem to do. I put them off every single day, and to put them off I either have to alter reality — like I am too busy — or I feel the shame of not completing them. So, how do I get these tasks done? These tasks are not hard, nor are they …
3 Things to Reflect on When in a Difficult Situation
When you are in the middle of a difficult situation — especially when a relationship is struggling — it is very easy to react instead of reflect. Your nervous system is loud. Your emotions feel urgent. Your mind starts writing stories. But growth doesn’t happen in reaction. It happens in reflection. Here are three things to reflect on while you …
Hard Decisions After a Hard Conversation
When a difficult conversation doesn’t go well, the temptation is to react, to escalate, to retreat, to punish, or to fold. But hard decisions made in emotional surge are almost always misaligned decisions. So the first step is to regulate before you decide. Did the conversation go badly because it was intense, or because something important was revealed? Intensity is …
How to Have Hard Conversations
I am approaching a difficult conversation. I don’t want to have it, but I know I need to. I pre-judge the outcome as useless, and I really don’t know what the perfect thing to say is, but I know I need to say something. If I can avoid… well, I am sure I will try to. So, how do I …