We both think we are right, but our perspectives are different. How do we deal with this dilemma? This feels obvious to me, but it also feels obvious to her. What makes it more disorienting is that both of you believe you’re the one being reasonable.
In the Ghost Framework, there are a few principles at play here:
• Personal truth is not objective truth.
• Validation does not require agreement.
• Righteousness feels powerful, but it rarely heals.
• You cannot force someone into reflection.
I believe this person is not reflecting, and they are assigning blame. But here’s the problem, they believe they are reflecting. From their internal narrative, they are responding to injustice.
Just like I am. And that’s the trap.
I must start by regulating before I engage. I cannot allow the frustration to overtake me or push me to act in a way that doesn’t represent who I want to be. I will communicate the energy I feel… even if my words are calm. It might be helpful to understand what I am feeling and what outcome I am hoping for. Validation? Accountability? Change? If I do not know what I need, then I will turn the conversation into a courtroom. Moreover, how can I ask for something when I do not know what that thing is?
Next, I have to make a conversational shift from helping her understand to having her help me understand. Telling her she is missing the point triggers righteousness, even if I am correct. This lowers defensiveness, and it forces them to articulate their thinking, which often reveals gaps without me pointing them out.
I need to also separate validation from agreement. I don’t have to agree with her, but I can see why she feels the way she does. When a person feels validated, their nervous system calms, and when the nervous system calms reflection becomes possible. If a person feels attacked they will double down, not because they are evil, but because they feel unsafe.
I need to speak from ownership, not accusation. Instead of communicating they I don’t like the blame, I can communicate that when the focus stays on what I did wrong, I feel like my perspective doesn’t matter. I want to take responsibility for my part, but I need space for my experience as well. This is ownership, doesn’t label, and creates a bridge.
There is a hard truth here. Sometimes people are not ready to reflect. In this way, I could communicate perfectly and still not be heard. Here is a second hard truth: I could be wrong. We are both sure, why do I assume I am right and she wrong? This requires the humility to keep reflecting and truly hear her perspective.
There is an internal responsibility conversation to be had. I am responsible for regulating, speaking clearly, and being accountable. I am not responsible for making them see, making grow, or convincing them of reality.
When both of us are feeling blamed it means we are both hurting. And hurt people protect themselves. The goal isn’t to win, but to protect connection without abandoning self.