I am encountering a few problems right now with someone. The person is accusatory, and while the person is not entirely wrong, they will also not reflect on their part. It is one-sided and sets me as the abuser and them as the victim. When I choose my own sense of truth — a truth that involves an assessment of reality — I am accused of being avoidant or dismissive. I get TikTok videos about avoidants, and it seems to me to not come from a place of help, but to hurt. This situation of perspective disconnect can be so frustrating.
What is important to recognize here is that this is not a small misunderstanding or a bad interaction. It is a pattern that is eroding my sense of self and my ability to communicate how I feel.
The biggest issue is that this person is using a therapeutic framework (attachment theory) to define me instead of understand me. My internal reality is overridden by this person’s certainty. Without understanding me, and depending on their certainly, my reflection becomes avoidance. My boundaries become selfishness. My disagreement becomes harm. My inner process becomes evidence against me.
This is not a dialogue. This is a closed system. And the closed system is not about repairing connection. It is being used to finalize a verdict within their perception.
There is a difference between accountability and totalizing blame. I am the abuser. They are the victim. Their perception is truth. My perception is pathology. This is what creates the sense that there is no room for my feelings, for nuance, or mutual responsibility.
Now, a person deserves validation, but they do not deserve agreement. What is happening in this situation, is this person is demanding agreement, but not mutual validation… and disagreement is being moralized as harm. This creates a frustration of feeling trapped or frozen.
In the end, I cannot convince this person. I cannot defend myself endlessly. The objective here is to stay grounded in searching for truth without becoming cruel or avoidant.
I really need to start with a boundary. I must remain open to reflecting on my behaviors… honestly. But I do not need to be open to being diagnosed or defined. This doesn’t help me understand the other person, and it doesn’t help me change.
I must also refuse the false binary: Either I accept the person’s framing or I am avoidant, selfish, or hateful. It feels like, to me, there is no space for my reality in our conversations — only an explanation as to why my reality is wrong. I cannot participate in something where disagreement automatically means harm.
This does not constitute avoidance. Avoidance would be not communicating. This is checking in on reality, and weighing the behaviors.
And to the “avoidant” point. I am not here to argue attachment theory. If I argue about being avoidant I lose. If I defend myself I am reinforcing the narrative. If I accept the person’s definition in order to keep peace I abandon myself. I need to stay anchored in behavior and intention, and not the labels.
So, I need to move from worrying if my behavior will be viewed as avoidant, and instead focus on not ignoring my inner reality and who I am becoming. And if doing so is interpreted as avoidant, well, that is painful, but it is not the same wrongdoing.
One thing that moves me on this is that I am not refusing reflection. I am not afraid of looking at myself or from different angles. But I will not be erased by someone else’s certainty. And that is NOT avoidance. That is self-respect.