I have been a part of a few difficult conversations lately, and there are times when I find it difficult to navigate. When do I walk away from the conversation? When do I stay? When do I take the space I need? At what point am I abandoning myself? At what point am I avoiding?
The greatest complexity here is that these three things: abandoning self, taking space, and avoidance can look identical from the outside. As such, the difference isn’t behavior, but the relationship to self while doing it.
Important to note: if all three look the same externally, then the external influence — what the other person communicates about what you are doing — can complicate things. So, you truly need to understand what YOU are doing regardless of what the other person perceives or says. This requires confidence.
Let’s breakdown abandoning self, taking space, and avoidance.
Not abandoning yourself is an act of alignment. The process of review here is that you are not leaving the conversation because it is uncomfortable, rather because staying would require self-betrayal. If you are truly trying to not abandon yourself, then you are aware of what you feel and why. You can name the crossed line, whether that be tone, disrespect, dismissal, or even overwhelm. Moreover, and this is important, there is grief or sadness in stepping away… not just relief. In this sense, you are choosing integrity over approval.
Internally, your reflection might conclude that if you stay in the conversation you will shrink, appease or lie about what you feel… and you are choosing to not do that anymore. Your loyalty to self requires that you step away to reflect on how best to respond. It also is not an assertion of “being right,” rather being present and recognizing what you need.
Taking space is a pause with intention. The key element here is “pause,” not retreat. Taking space is not about escape, rather it is regulation. You are stepping away so you can comeback as yourself, not so the situation disappears. Healthy space is articulating why you need space, that there is an intention to return — whether this is to the conversation or make a decision, and that you are actually using space to process and not to ruminate or rehearse arguments. Taking space has edges: time, purpose, and clarity. Inside, you might feel flooded, so you say you need to take time to think and feel so as to not react from fear or defensiveness.
Taking space is a bridge, and not an exit, and healthy space moves you toward truth and not away from it.
Finally, avoidance, is a matter of self-protection that costs you your future. Avoidance is never winning. It is never a good strategy. In reality, avoidance is not about the situation, rather it is not wanting to feel something specific, such as fear, shame, conflict, grief, exposure, or responsibility. You might be avoiding if you feel immediate relief followed by lingering anxiety, or the issue doesn’t get clearer with time; it gets harder to deal with, you start telling yourself it doesn’t matter anyway or it is not worth it, and there is no plan to return or the plan to return is not concrete and you KNOW you are not trying to move your intentions to action. Your reflection might conclude if you engage something about you might be revealed, rejected, or asked to be changed. Avoidance often wears the mask of maturity, boundaries, or self-care, but it is NOT these things if it keeps you small and unresolved.
If you are unsure about your process, and the reality of what you are doing, the key to reflection is be honest: Are you creating space to stay connected to yourself or so you don’t have to feel or face something. And finally, the real question: Do you plan to return? Often the tell here is returning. Avoidance has no real intention to return (and real intention is different than thinking you are going to return, but knowing you probably won’t). Taking space or self-care always has a plan to return.
Returning to how these three actions can look the same, it is key to note that timing matters — even if it is the same action. For instance, leaving a conversation can be self-respect. Leaving it again and again is avoidance. Taking space is healthy… until it becomes hiding. The other person is not the arbiter of the reality of the action. You are, so it requires honesty with yourself. And the confidence to act on that honesty — whether that is returning to the conversation or taking space.
The goal is not perfection. You are going to avoid things, as we all do. The goal is to understand the “why” behind your actions. Again, the key is not to disappear, but to learn how to stay.