I got into an argument with someone, and sent them a message about boundaries that I needed to respect myself. At the end of the message I mentioned that I could not complete a project with this person. Of all the talk about connection and boundaries, the person responding only to the project. They wanted to make sure they were going to get what they want. It hurt… a lot. I thought to myself, “I won’t punish, but I don’t want to be used either,” and “is this all I am worth to them?” I felt immediately lonely and hurt. I asked myself the question: How do I sit here with this pain?
The first thing I needed to do was name the wound accurately. It is easy to take this as a declaration of personal value, but it is not that. Moreover, the pain is not that the person did not respond how I had hoped, in fact, I did not actually have any expectations, but that the pain was found in the realization. The realization that what mattered most wasn’t me, but the outcome.
I want to be chosen for who I am and not for what I provide. The thought concerning punishment and being used did not come from a place of bitterness, but, I believe, from a place of self-respect.
Moreover, it is not dramatic to know that the person cared about the project, not me. It is my nervous system saying that something here is not reciprocal.
But, I think it is important to not start writing narratives myself. There is a difference between not caring and being hurt. This person deserves the same grace I would want for myself. So, I can be open to the idea that the response was due to frustration, stress, or resentment… maybe it does not represent the total picture.
People under stress can narrow their vision to survival objects like money, housing, logistics, and control. I do this all the time. I focus on the logistics immediately because it helps me numb the pain. So, I can reflect on this, because it keeps me from resentment and helps me to feel what I make others feel when I do this and grows my sense of empathy to change my behaviors.
The point is this: The person is not evil or bad… just emotionally unavailable.
This doesn’t make my pain any less, but it does mean this: I am not sitting with the realization that I am worthless. I am sitting with the realization that this person may not be capable of meeting me where I am.
Those are not the same thing, but we often, in relationships, equate them to be.
Let’s talk for a moment about what “sitting with it” actually means. First, let’s talk about what it doesn’t mean: It is not convincing yourself it doesn’t hurt, or rationalizing behavior, forcing forgiveness, or deciding about the future. To sit with something means to allow the grief to exist without turning it into a verdict about your worth. You can do this by letting the hurt speak, but not narrate. Your hurt might say, “I don’t matter,” but that is not a truth; that is a signal. Your job is not to argue, but to calmly recognize the hurt, but also recognizing it doesn’t define reality. It is just a feeling.
You can also anchor yourself in what you did, and not how it was received. I was honest. I set a boundary. I respected myself. I did not punish or react. That is actually fantastic, and so while I sit here hurting I can also find some pride and confidence. This matters regardless of the response from the other person. It is actually kind of exciting! I am changing patterns! Here is a truth: The integrity of an action is not determined by how someone else reacts to it. This is why when you face your judgment before God you do it alone. It is your why, how, what that matters. Not how it was received.
For me, I did not have an expectation in regard to response. Maybe this is better because I did not have a specific hope. Or maybe the surprise of the response hurt more because I was not expecting it. I am not sure, but if you did go into a situation with hope, then it is OK to grieve the hope. Grief doesn’t need fixing, by the way. It just needs to felt and witnessed. You don’t need to do something about your grieving… just feel it. That is it, and it is OK.
I think the most important element here is that the hurt and loneliness is not a command to disappear. My instinct is to disappear. Perhaps your instinct is to get on a call and talk about it for 6-hours. I am avoidant. You might be anxious. The resolution is the same: This is a survival response. So, instead of that response we must be present with our feelings. Be confident in our work. Name our reality. And not collapse into shame.
The space can feel cold, but it is also honest.
Let me end with this answer as to how to sit with pain: You don’t sit with the idea that you don’t matter… or any other narrative. You simply sit with the reality that you are hurt, BUT you are no longer willing to earn love by shrinking or disappearing. It hurts, but it is also the genesis of dignity.