What happens when you and your partner do not feel appreciated by the other? If you do not appreciate each other in the way the other wants to be appreciated, then perhaps it is not felt. You need to communicate to the other person how you want to be appreciated. Let’s reflect on where to begin: you feel not appreciated, but how would you define “feeling appreciated?”
I think the first place for me to start is at the contrast of personal truth and felt reality. Personal truth does not automatically translate into felt reality. I can do something with good intent — to appreciate someone, but if it doesn’t land with their nervous system, sense of self, etc… it doesn’t exist as connection. Similarly, even if they think they are connecting, if it doesn’t land with me then it is not connection.
Perhaps, it is also worth assessing that you both may be wired differently, and therefore have an entirely different relational signal. This is not a matter or selfishness or failure, rather a misaligned perception.
This brings us to an interesting insight: Connection requires translation. Without translation there is only intention. And because validation is deserved, but we are not obligated to agree, then we know that connection is not about being right… it is about being understood. This doesn’t make attempts not meaningful… just not translated. Intent does not equal impact, and impact must be owned and not defended.
Another element of appreciation that I feel must be reflected upon is attachment and safety. From an attachment perspective, appreciation is not just something nice to do, rather it is regulating. Appreciation can answer questions like Am I safe with you? Do you see me? Or Do I matter in the way I hope I do? If appreciation misses the mark, then the nervous system registers the absence, not the effort.
Finally, to why we might feel stuck at where to begin with how we want to feel appreciated. Perhaps it is because how we want to be appreciated requires vulnerability without the usual armor. I am not saying simply “here is what to do,” rather here is where I feel unseen and how I know I matter.
In this way, I suppose we should start with felt moments… places where appreciation landed. This keeps my reflection grounded in reality and not theory.
It is also important to translate the meaning, and not the behavior. The behavior is not the point. The meaning is. A person could be with me all day long and I could feel alone. BUT, if they turned to me and said, “You are not alone.” It would mean the world to me. The behavior of presence did not mean anything to me, but the translation of the meaning would mean the world to me. This is true with effort, even in critique. To say “You are manipulating” would sting, but to say “You don’t have to perform with me” would make me feel so safe.
In this way, I need to go beneath the action to the identity-level need.
It is also good to name the moments missed. Instead of communicating lack of appreciation I can do the same as what I am asking: Not You don’t appreciate me to I feel appreciated when you… this separates my narrative of their intent from the impact the behavior is making — separating character from wiring.
Last, I must maintain that these are requests and not rules. I am looking for love, not a contract. A request invites connection, whereas rules trigger defense and justification. So, no language like You Should or You Never, rather This helps me or this registers for me.
The goal here is not symmetry. We are not trying to appreciate each other in the same way or need the same things. I am trying to learn how to love without forcing the other person to be me.