“You cannot love someone until you learn to love yourself.” It feels kind of right, and it gets said, and people seem to believe it. But it is not true.
Am I a bad dad? Yes and no. I have done damage with my avoidance and lack of communication. My kids know it and feel it. I do some things well, but at the end of the day I think my children probably feel the pain I create more than they feel the love I create. Is that true? I am not sure, as you would have to ask them. They would say otherwise, I am sure, but then I think that, perhaps, they are just saying that out of love for me… and not because it is true. AND THEN I think that, perhaps, I am saying that because of my lack of love for self. So, I leave the scenario as enigmatic at best.
But there are two things I know to be true: I do not love myself well, but I love my children. In fact, it is because of that love I have for them that I change. And perhaps this is the best type of love, because it does not come with attention or affirmation. It is found in the grind of behavioral change and growth.
The growth is the proof of that love. The behaviors persist to some degree, but I would say this: When my children were born I loved them, but I did not know how to love. So, I could be neglectful, dismissive, and non-communicative. I could sit in silence when I should have played. I could watch from the distance when I should have been connecting. So, I work, for years, to change that behavior. Why? Because I love them so dearly that I am willing to face the greatest fear… myself. I have to sit in the reality of my behavior and be humbled and accountable because I love them. I have to pull away at all my masks because I love them. I have to stand before the moments in my life that broke me and work towards healing because I love them. I have to realize how my brokenness has hurt them and change because I love them.
Love doesn’t come at the end of healing. The healing comes because of love.