Social media therapy is really frustrating for me. First, let’s define social media therapy, which is the expression of a therapeutic or a right vs wrong concept without expressing the unique value of people and context… which might make the concept completely wrong.
For instance, a woman or man creates and shares a video on how their partner is a narcissist. The suffering or a specific expressed behavior in the video resonates with you. You like or comment and then the video gets more reach.
BUT, is their partner a narcissist? Statistically speaking it is not likely, but we don’t know him or her, nor do we have their context. You can validate the video creators feelings, but validation doesn’t require agreement.
Now, just this morning, I saw some of these concepts and want to share my thoughts on them. You don’t have to agree with these opinions, nor do you need to agree with anything I say. You are your own unique person, and should reflect and come to your own conclusions.
These phrases feel empowering because they validate pain quickly. But they’re built on partial truths, and when you build your identity on partial truths, you create distorted expectations of people, relationships, and yourself.
“If They Wanted To They Would”
This one is seductive because it simplifies rejection into clarity. But reality is rarely that clean. It feels true because it protects you from uncertainty, because if they cared they would act. This removes ambiguity, and ambiguity is painful.
The issue is that it assumes that capacity equals intention. People don’t just act based on their desires. They act based on fear, trauma, attachment style, and emotional maturity.
Someone can want to love you well and still shutdown, overwhelm, or fail to be consistent.
So this phrase, “if they wanted to they would,” collapses a complex human reality into a binary of want equals action, and no action equals a lack of care. That’s not truth. That’s more like emotional shorthand.
A better way to look at it is to have curiosity around the other person’s capacity, their trying, and finally, a decision point, is their behavior something you can realistically live with.
Love isn’t proven by perfect action, but it is revealed in effort over time.
“You shouldn’t have to change for anyone”
This sounds like self-respect, but it often becomes self-protection disguised as growth. It feels true because it pushes back against losing yourself, people-pleasing, and being controlled. It gives you the feeling of having a voice. While this is valid, it is still wrong because it ignores the fundamental truth that all healthy relationships require change.
Don’t read that as identity erasure, rather behavioral refinement.
If you take the statement that you shouldn’t have to change literally, then it leads to stagnation and the excuse that this is just who you are. You then avoid accountability, and mistake discomfort for injustice. But growth always feels like discomfort.
You shouldn’t change who you are… your identity. But you must work on how you communicate, how you react, and how you show up. Behavior is not the same as identity.
The question is: Do you want to be a good person or not? If the answer is yes, then change isn’t oppression, rather it’s responsibility.
“Never settle”
This sounds a lot like standards, but it often becomes perfectionism fueled by fear. It feels true because it protects you from being undervalued, repeated mistakes, and accepting less than you deserve.
These are good objectives, but you cannot assume that there exists a person who meets all your needs without friction. That is a fantasy.
Taken literally you are engaging in endless comparisons, dissatisfaction, and maybe walking away from something good because it is not perfect.
Ironically, this can also become a sort of avoidance, where not settling becomes I don’t want to deal with the hard parts of love.
Often, I think, it is shield that looks like empowerment when it is really an attempt to hide pain or shame. The truth is you will always settle in some ways, because people are flawed. BUT note that you are flawed as well. The imperfect system of a relationship is not be perfect going in, rather to work as mirrors for one another to improve and grow.
You can decide what you choose to accept and what matters to you. This is different, so just don’t let the concept of standard representation be an unhealthy wall painted to look like empowerment. There is a difference between settling out of fear and choosing from a place of clarity.
The truth is that all three social media therapy phrases share the same flaw: They prioritize emotional validation over reality.
Validation is important, but you don’t deserve agreement.
Social media often skips the hard parts of nuance, self-reflection, and accountability. It gives you the language to feel empowered without requiring you to become better.
A more honest framework would be to reflect on if they are trying instead of “if they wanted to they would.” Look at what parts of YOU need to grow instead of not having to change, and what are you choosing from a place of fear instead of never settling.