I have really struggled with a couple of potential problems involving other people. I wrote narratives, prescribed judgments, and in the end it all turned out very well. How do I, then, deal with the overwhelm of the potential problem?
Reality has proven my imagination wrong. This gap — between imagination and reality — is where my overwhelm lives. In Be A Good Little Ghost, there is a theme I hit early on, which is that personal truth is not the same as objective reality. Our minds are very good at narrative writing, and not always a good prophecy. In this way, perhaps the problem is treating the imagination as reality.
First, I must recognize the pattern. I have evidence that I anticipated a problem, felt anxious, and the problem did not happen. This is good data, but my nervous system does not care about data. It cares about threat. Nevertheless, through repetition we can use our rational mind to train our nervous system.
Each time something imagined is not reality, I need to consciously log it. Over time, my mind will learn that my predictions are not always reliable.
Next, I must ask if what I am facing is real right now. Anxiety is a future problem manifesting physically in the present. So, when I feel overwhelmed I need to assess if there is an actual problem, or if I am rehearsing a possible future. If it is not happening now, then I am not solving a problem. I am feeding a narrative. This does not mean I can ignore preparation, but I can distinguish what is preparation and what is projection. A good distinction between the two is that preparation ends and projection loops.
Then I must separate feeling from reality. This is crucial, because anxiety feels real and uncontrollable. Moreover, this doesn’t mean that the problem is not real, nor that my emotional state is not valid. It is just that the predicted disaster may not be. I need to assess what I am feeling, what story I am writing, and what evidence I actually have. This is important as feelings can come from past experiences, and I might be overlaying my past with the present.
I must also shift from control to trust. Overwhelm often comes from trying to control outcomes that aren’t controllable. And I lie to myself by concluding if I think about it enough I can prevent it. But thinking is not control. It is just rumination. I need to conclude that if it happens I will deal with it, and if it doesn’t happen I won’t suffer twice.
It is helpful to also limit the size of the horizon. When overwhelm builds it shrinks time. All I need to handle is today, in fact, that is all I can handle. Anxiety expands the horizon, whereas finding peace narrows it.
Finally, I need to train my body… not just my thoughts. If the overwhelm is physical — which it often is — then reasoning alone won’t work. I need to breathe, move, and get outside. The key is to regulate first, then rationalize.
In looking at the past, my brain has learned that anticipating danger keeps me safe. In fact, I actually was proud of my ability to worry about the future and how that protected me. In this way, I can be thankful for my anxiety from the past, but also conclude that I am safe enough now. I have been through a lot. I can handle what’s next. And soon I can outgrow my overwhelm through awareness, evidence, and self-trust.
One more question that is helpful: What is it that you fear the most? Is it failure? Rejection? Loss of control? Embarrassment? Disappointing someone? The root of the fear can help to understand how to deal with the present overwhelm.