I talked to my son last night, and he told me that he did not like the micro-connections and they did not feel real or enough for him. The micro-connections really did help me, but it is not moving enough along for my kids. I realize that I need to exercise patience with myself, but I feel like my children are a different type of relationship and that I have a responsibility to move faster or be more consistent with them.
I have to realize that my son’s response was not a rejection of me, rather it was information. Painful information, perhaps, but also information of value. He trusted me enough to tell me the truth and how it feels to him. This is an important marker for our relationship, even if progress seems stalled.
In reflecting, I understand that two things can be true at the same time. Micro-connections have helped me, and that matters and is real. They were a first step for my nervous system and a part of the process towards healing. And my son is not wrong in that it did not feel enough. This doesn’t make the micro-connections fake, but it does mean there is a developmental mismatch for the relationship that he needs right now. Children, especially children who have felt distance, inconsistency, or emotional abuse, don’t experience repair the same way that adults do. Adults can feel safety from intention and effort, but kids feel safety from patterns and predictability over time. So, if micro-connections are signals, then my son wants proof.
As mentioned, the relationship one has with their children is of a different type. With other people, we move at a negotiated pace. With my kids, I am the anchor. I don’t think it would be advantageous to panic and rush, but it does mean that consistency matters more than intensity. In this way, a single deep talk doesn’t outweigh ten small disappearances. Contra, ten predictable moments begins to outweigh years of absence.
I think the most important thing for me to do right now is to not defend the micro-connections, even though they matter deeply to me. So, instead of micro-connections, I need to think in terms of macro-consistency. The goal is not to suddenly become emotionally fluent or hyper-present, but to become a person he can count on. Someone he can trust.
I also want to reflect on me saying, “I need to move faster with my kids,” as this is not wisdom, rather it is fear mixed with love. Fear is rushed and love is consistent. My responsibility is not to compress years of repair into present moments, but to not disappear emotionally OR behaviorally. I need to hold the need for self-patience, but also not let myself off the hook. Patience, in this instance, is not collapsing into shame or panic, and accountability means that I do not minimize what my son needs. In essence, I do not need to be perfect, but I do need to show up.
Finally, on the point of rejection, my son did not say “Don’t try.” He said that “this isn’t what helps him feel connected.” This is not rejection. This is an invitation to learn and understand the care he needs.